just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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