One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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