Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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