good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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