Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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