I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize