Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
