oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
