At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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