Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm having to shit out rocks
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
