I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
