Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
