Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can you bring me the toilet please
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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