Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
