Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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