Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
