I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize