At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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