Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
