When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
