I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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