i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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