I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
