how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
