If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
