i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
