I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you had me at cake vodka
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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