Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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