Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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