I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
