Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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