we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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