Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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