I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
