eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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