Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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