I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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