Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
