: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
