The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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