you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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