It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
