also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
