Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize