I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
