I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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