My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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