i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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