vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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