I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
