New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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