My brain says no but my pants say off.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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