My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
