apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
