summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
