i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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