She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize